brightly colored guns   Leave a comment

safety cowboys Mam, where's the rave?

They don’t sell semi-real looking guns anymore to enhance pretending for kids playing cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers. Instead, our kids get brightly colored implements of clownifification designed to wussify them and leave them running around pointing ridiculous orange monstrosities at each other and yelling bang like some kind of ineffective little mega dork. It’s kind of like pretending to shoot someone with your mother’s vibrator, the only thing going down is self-respect and self-esteem.

Dear feministas and safety Nazi’s of the world, please leave the children of America out of your ego maniacal safety war. It’s okay for children to pretend and play, in fact I submit to you, that it’s what makes us grow up to be better people. No need to crush a young man’s soul just yet, there’s plenty of time to do that once you marry him. If at that point he wants to let you dominate him into the dirt and crush his manhood with your spiked heels, well, he’s a grown man and that is his prerogative. For the time being though, can’t we just let kids be kids? Let them bask in the creativity, excitement, unadulterated Joy, and innocent wonder with the world that play facilitates and allow them the chance to grow up and lead a well-adjusted life? maybe even grow up to make the world a better place.

At any rate, probably by taking away any semblance of real guns you will only make them crave that taboo object. Then, when they grow up, they’ll end up being some psycho with a gun fetish who can finally get real guns instead of those fake looking pieces of crap they were forced to wield as a child. Because the were deprived, they’ll over compensate by buying 1000 of them. Then one day, when you’re out power walking through that carbon copy yuppie sanctuary of village idiots that you call a neighborhood, dragging your yap happy pint-size sweater wearing pseudo-dog behind you,  he’ll jump out from behind your Volvo mini-van with some insane military grade auto-repeating elephant gun and blast you intonon-existence, because you wouldn’t allow him to suspend his disbelief while playing as a child. You’ll lay there bleeding out in the street like a plastic sack full of holes, your busy body life flashing before your eyes, wondering where it all went so wrong. He will get thrown into the local insane asylum where he will meet your daughter, because I’m pretty sure that’s where she’ll be after growing up in some kind of lunacidal safety cage. They’ll have crazy Thorazine sex in a rubber room, while sesame street plays in the background and babbling droolers feign a game of checkers thirty feet away. She’ll fall in love with him because her mind is fantastically Bent beyond comprehension. Eventually they’ll get out and have a baby that’ll be chock-full of your blood and DNA, but they’ll want it to be anything except like you. They’ll raise it to be the exact opposite of you and society will swing to the other extreme once more. Then they will create and mass market high-fashion brightly colored instruments of death and destruction for a whole new generation to kill with and some other cracky mother will force the stores of the world to only carry black and nickel plated play guns so that they don’t look like the real ones which are now orange and green and bright blue… Everything goes in cycles.

FYI, creating all of these asinine laws in an ill-conceived attempt to protect your child from everything in the world that might possibly hurt them is a losing battle fought by people of purpose or as I like to call them, Controlling douche bags. people of purpose, they will take a big steaming purpose all over you. Why does their purpose have to affect my life, can’t they keep their purpose to themselves? every time I get covered in someone else’s purpose, I have to take a dozen showers and use a tongue scraper on my skin, and I still don’t feel clean. I’ve got news for you, your life only needs purpose if you’re trying to fill a void. there is an age-old philosophical question that I asked myself over and over again… Why are you here?

If you really want to protect your children get them a blanket policy. Give them the best and most complete solution available to them.  it’s the only truly viable solution for the children of the world and it will serve them well in many ways throughout their lives… It’s called education. Don’t put in speed bumps to slow down the cars that speed though your neighborhood, teach your child how to dodge speeding cars. That way maybe they’ll have a chance of surviving an encounter with a car even if a speed bump is not there to save their lives. Little Suzy doesn’t have to be roadkill just because big daddy speedbump isn’t around. She might even go on to dodge a dozen or more cars if you teach her how. Do you want to be the one responsible for not teaching her how to dodge speeding automobiles so that she can grow up to have her dreams crushed and become a stripper named sudoku who is saddled with a severe drinking problem and a seroius sex adiction? of course not.

But beware, not even education is a 100% guarantee that your child will survive to make it into adulthood, there are no absolute guarantees. life would mean nothing if it couldn’t be taken away. Whole hordes of people die every day and that is never gonna stop. In fact statistically a hundred and five people die each minute on planet Earth, some no doubt, in some horrific or indescribable way. So maybe you should just come to the realization that life is a dangerous proposition, accidents happen and were all going to die someday, so why not live today. Then, instead of wasting your life trying to put your finger in the Dyke ( no pun intended), you can relax and enjoy the spectacular grandeur and beauty you’ve been made privy to simply by morphing into existence to experience this realm, this world, this life, right here right now. Set a spell, settle into your favorite big old comfortable life, take off those big old heavy freedom stomping boots, and let yourself and everyone you come in contact with be permeated with the rich and glorious bounty of all things great and small. as far as the universe is concerned, we may be infinitesimal, but not as far as we’re concerned. in our minds we are giants, but in reality this big blue planet we live on is more or less a speck of dust floating in a boundless ocean of stars so vast and incomprehensible that it really is unfathomable to the dust mites that live on it. So the desire to Control everything is a futile attempt of Earth’s most delusional creatures to makes sense of it all, but they’re coming from a place of fear which can only lead to a state of enslavement. don’t go towards the fear, go towards the light. find the sweet delicious nuggets of love, they’re tastier. The will to control everything encapsulates you in a prison built of fear, when you come to the realization that we have no real control over anything but ourselves ( and really probably not even that most of the time), then you can let go and drift in life’s sweet current… taste the love, feel the freedom, dip your toes in the bottomless pool of life’s ambrosia.  We’re all on a rock hurtling through space at a speed of 67,000 mph, sit back and enjoy the ride.

By no means am I a perfect being, in fact I’m pretty sure I am a lecher, a pauper and a fool, and in my lifetime I’ve made more mistakes than I can shake my wiener at (and believe me I can shake my wiener at a lot of things and there are precious few things I haven’t), but I do know, that if you lose your balance, you are either gonna stumble or fall.

Endear yourself to equilibrium.



Posted June 23, 2011 by Salty Dawg Salvage in Uncategorized

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