Archive for February 2011

Air fresheners conspiring to destroy their creators?   Leave a comment

Air fresheners conspiring to destroy their creators

While draining lake rancid in the mens bathroom of a Las Vegas Casino I witnessed a middle aged man (who had apparently just been rescued from a desert island) in neon green short shorts and an unholy t-shirt of some kind or another nose to nose having a heart to heart with the machine that dispenses good smells every few minutes to cover up all of the bad ones wafting up from the stalls in which legions of slot zombies unleash endless torrents of recycled all you can eat barffet globlets from their poop tubes. He was having a serious conversation with it about the evils of watching television. He also said something about “the colors man”, but I couldn’t catch it all. Although I didn’t hear the entire conversation between this marvel of modern humanity and his air freshener friend, he definitely did not want it to watch any more tv…in fact he was more or less begging it not to watch anymore TV. I’m not sure how the air freshener was taking it but it seemed rather pissed. I thought to my self “does this man know something we don’t? Are air fresheners, once thought to be innocently sitting there on a table or perhaps plugged into an outlet, secretly watching our tv’s behind our backs right in front of our faces!! and if so are they mesmerized urban zombies just like us or are they getting something much more sinister then we are from their relationship with the old booby box? ”(although what could be more sinister then the population of an entire planet with ADD watching HD on an LCD that makes their minds go AOL). Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I am pretty sure an air freshener hissed at me once. Clearly air fresheners think they are better then us or they wouldn’t think they were emitting a far superior odor then ours. Do they think their shit don’t stink? In my opinion the human stench is better. I happen to enjoy the palette of human odors, it is the overpowering stank of air fresheners that I find offensive. They reek of commercial putrification and gross insincerity. In my eyes it makes them suspect. What if they re trying to aromatically eliminate us? They may be trying to obscure all of our natural smelling capabilities thereby taking away our ability to use our odoriferous basic instincts. We won’t be able to smell our enemies when they are near. We won’t be able to smell the chemistry that identifies compatible mates. We won’t even be able to smell our food to make sure it isn’t rotten. Eventually we will all have died either at the hands of predators, from the lack of ability to find love and reproduce offspring or from eating another poisoned burger at the drive through at mcdonalds. They may dub it a Mcdeath, but we’ll all know the truth.

Are air fresheners diabolical henchmen of our televisions hatching a plot of such unspeakable evil that it will result in the deaths of the very gods that created them? or was the guy pleading with one not to watch any more tv simply a crackadoodle nut cake with a brain pan full of jelly beans and gobbledygoop whose taken one to many teabags from giant robot? You be the judge.

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Posted February 1, 2011 by bioranger in Uncategorized